Direction

It's been a while since my last post. And this tends to happen pretty regularly; I seek refuge in my blog only when it's convenient for me. When things are going great, and sun is shining, and I'm happily staying busy with the things I enjoy, I completely abandon my blog. But as soon as a bad day turns up, or something frustrating rears its head at me, I duck deep into my journal entries. Being this consistently inconsistent feels pathetic and immature, but worst of all, it's not productive.

Getting frustrated is going to happen, and I'm not saying it shouldn't. I should, and totally am, prepared to deal with a monumental amount of frustration. I mean seriously, writing and illustrating children's books and documenting my creative and just plain strange adventures surely isn't the path of least resistance. Frustration is a good thing; frustration is quality control for life. If I wasn't frustrated from time to time about where I plan on (scratch that-dream of) being in the future, then whose to say that it'll be worth it by the time I get there?

No, frustration isn't what I'm frustrated about. I'm frustrated about me and what it is that I actually want. I want to know exactly what I want. That sounds stupid, but hear me out.

I like to make things, and when people notice the things that I make, we tend to talk about other things I've made. Children's books, and art shows, and autobiographical blog projects are pretty interesting, but it's usually just a matter of time until that person says something along the lines of

     "So, what is it that you're actually trying to do?"

And that's my problem, I don't have an answer. Well, I don't have a clear cut answer, not one I fully believe in myself anyway. I usually reply with my go to response which is:

     "I want to make things."

Don't get me wrong, the response is true, and I even believe it. But it's such a vague answer to such a clear question. I want to KNOW what it is that I want to do, and to be, and to mean to people. I want to be certain about myself, because I KNOW that I'm motivated, and I KNOW that I've got some talent, and I KNOW that I've got something of value to offer. The only thing that I hesitate with is direction, not knowing where I'm going, or where I'd like to be.

So I still don't know exactly what it is I'd like to be, whatever that even means. But I'm taking a stand and I'm going to finally sit down and actually write out what it is I want. These may seem obvious, especially to the people around me (it's all I talk about), but if I don't make it painfully clear what I want, then I'll be frustrated and unhappy even when I get it. Using my list of criteria, I should be able to piece together a direction for myself.

Here's what I want:
I want to...
     Publish my children's book
     Publish more children's books
     Create things that people enjoy. By people who are not obligated to like it
     Publish a book about my Jack Of All Trades Project with my own illustrations
     Support myself off of my creativity without feeling like a business person...or a whore
     Move out (but that's a whole blog entry in itself)
     Be better than I was yesterday...every single day

There you go, or there "I" go I suppose, cause I'm the only one who even reads this. Here's a short, impromptu list of what I actually want. Now it's up to me to make it all happen. I'll still have moments of frustration, and of confusion and self doubt. But I know what I'm worth and now I know where I' going.